La quiero

Me gustaría salir todas las noches en un Sevici para las calles de Sevilla. Me gustaría volver a mi piso en Guadarrama a la fin de la noche. La echo mucho de menos Sevilla y mi familia españole.

No lo sé que tengo que hacer ahora. Estoy muy confusada. Hice decisiónes malas. No sé como volver a inocencia. Siempre quiero algo que no debo querer.

frustration

reverse culture shock

you know you’re going to face it, but i don’t know if it’s possible to prepare for it. i feel like i am holding too many things in that need to be released, but there is no release.

people don’t care. they ask, but they really don’t care. and they don’t understand, but they don’t try to understand either. no one cares, everyone’s too busy, we all have our own problems to deal with.

i’m standing on the other side of the line, alone.

packing

Recently, it seems as if  I’m always packing or unpacking. I guess when you study abroad for a semester and travel while you’re at it that happens. I have yet to master the skill of packing lightly without under packing – I always pack too much or too little. I wonder how people who do it, do it.

Although it hasn’t been 2 weeks since I’ve returned to the states, I find myself packing once more.  My biggest move alone. At least this time I can’t really under or over pack since I’m kind of moving into another home.

I wish I knew how to mass copyright all my pictures.

Jet-lagged or…

I’m up before 6 again. It’s about 13h in Sevilla right now.

In so many ways I want to return, but it’s to the time I want to return. I do love the city, but I’m also scared of actually returning to the place, to see it through different eyes, afraid to be disappointed, to realize it wasn’t all that I thought it was.

Pessimistic much?

travel blog and being home

As a travel blog, I think this has pretty much failed.

But, I decided to keep using it to reflect thoughts related to my travels and things I’ve learned while being in Europe, as well as perhaps recounting my travels as if I was journaling while still in Europe.

Now, on being home. Today was my first Sunday in the States for over 4.5 months. I was not looking forward to going to church at all. Soojung had just left for LA, Bina is in Italy, Eunice in Korea, and I didn’t think Karen or Angela would be at church. So I pretty much felt like I’d have no friends and that it would be super awkward. I was right about things being a little awkward, but I forgot that I had other friends that are in Houston and go to NewLife and are not just part of my Austin life (Steven, Ellen) and Angela was there too. It was also my first time in church in over 4.5 months. It’s weird how you can come back from a place and have grown in so many ways, yet still be so much more lost than before. That’s what I am, lost. I don’t know who I am I don’t know what to think of my faith. Being at church evokes a variety of emotions. Particularly scorn but also loneliness and confusion, maybe bitterness maybe jealousy. I’m not sure. But for sure a lot of this arises from me being judgmental of those who grew up in the sheltered church environment and think the way they were taught. But you know, everyone has his or her own story of struggle, and that’s something I haven’t learned to see yet.

Thursday afternoon I drove up to Austin. Saturday morning I drove back, and the entire time my thoughts were consumed by memories of Spain. The drive did go by a lot faster, but also made me tear up and ache to return. A part of me is afraid to ever return though, because things won’t be the same and I think I’ll be let down or the memories won’t seem as sweet.

Traveling throughout Europe

WOW. so much has happened. I’ve been too exhausted to journal and haven’t really had a lot of internet access to update.

Tiana is sleeping and I’m in the hostel lobby. We went to Brussels for the day today and are staying in Cologne because the hostel was cheaper here with better ratings. It’s the shabbiest we’ve stayed in so far, but the other hostels were really luxurious compared to most hostels. Our last hostel was especially nice except that it was too big and someone stole our tomato.

In Barcelona I hung out with some people I met in my 2nd hostel (I had to stay in a diff hostel the 2nd night but it was nice except that I had to take a cold shower in the morning…). It was fun and I got a free dinner bc these 2 guys cooked too much pasta It rained almost the whole time I was there, and I didn’t really get to see a lot of the Barri Gothic or the castle but I saw the copper fish and beach area. And took pics of the Columbus column during the day. And revisited the Gaudi casas and took night pics etc. and saw the Casa Amatllo which I hadn’t looked at before.

From Barcelona I trained to Geneva which took about10 hours and then another 1 or so to Biel where my hostel was…and then back to Geneva and met up with Tae. Spent ver 5 euro on 4 pieces of Swiss chocolate…Tiana and I visited a ‘cell’ that was 7 billion times teh size of a real cell. it was purple. The hostel in Biel was GREAT.

The next day Tiana and I wnet to Dresden where we stayed 2 nights in a NICE hostel. Christmas markets were mostly closed…on Christmas day…well we saw a lot of pretty things at least and buildings and the city itself is just pretty. Kebaps for Christmas Eve dinner. there are kebap places EVERYWHERE in Europe…literally every street has one…menos in Sevilla but wow in Germany and Brussels they’re EVERYWHERE. German food is DELICIOUS and cheap – both a blessing and a curse depending on if you’re basing it on your wallet or stomach. Paris is going to suck on the wallet. Brussels was pretty pricey. AND THERE ARE PASTRY SHOPS EVERYWHERE. I’ve eaten at least 2 sweets every day since I started traveling – BAD. but they’re so tempting…

Spent 2 nights in Berlin. WONDERFUL Christmas markets. AMAZING I LOVE CHRISTMAS MARKETS.

Now we’re in Cologne and leave for paris in about 13 hours. We wanted to go early today, but there were no seats on the trains…so we’re getting there at night and so I’m going to be in a bit of a rush to see everything on New Years’ Eve since museums close early. Also, we don’t have a place to sleep on NYE and are planning on just staying up all night…everything was booked and what was left was too expensive or had poor ratings. STILL HAVEN’ SENT POSTCARDS…just have a LOT piled up…

Belgium chocolate, waffles, German christmas market waffle, bratwurst, currywurst, hot wine, lots of free samples of a lot of things, lots of pastries for breakfast, delicious fries from belgium…oh european christmas, how i will miss thee

won’t have internet after we get to paris until the 2nd of january and i’ll have to rush packing and souvenir shopping before i leave the evening of the 3rd of january…wish it wasn’t a sunday. it is also supposed to rain the day i leave sevilla, sadly, meaning i won’t be able to enjoy my city the last day and it rained the night before i left sevilla for bilbao. Sevilla is just so sad I am leaving, as am I.

Bilbao and Barcelona

Took a train from Bilbao to Barcelona today and here I am in my hostel. Got in around 2310.

I realized that I used to be good alone. Now when Im alone I get very lonely, especially when I see groups of friends or pairs of people, I just feel overwhelmed with loneliness. I cant really figure out the punctuation symbols on this keyboard…I think some of them just dont work.

I finally saw the Guggenheim. It was magnificent and impressive although I didnt care much for the exhibits. Frank Lloyd Wright exhibit was interesting and this sculpture exhibit by Richard S something and some photos by Sophie Calle and this video thing about a bankd robbery that occured during Nixons presidency, motivation similar to why John Q held up the hospital. Bilbao was a lot prettier and impressed me more than I had expected. Not too many tourists but then again its not tourist season either. And I hadnt really known what to expect. Everything is pretty expensive there…Food was delicious.

Tired will update later, hopefully in a few days, maybe not.

Going home alone

Sunday morning at about 4 AM I was biking home alone. About a block from my house I crossed the street on my bike and a creepy Moroccan looking man (sorry I’m racist) crossed the opposite way and said something to me. I ignored him and continued to bike to the bike station. I parked my bike and when I turned around, HE WAS RIGHT THERE. Scared the shit out of me. I ignored him and tried to quickly walk away. He followed me across 2 streets and started to offer me 50 euros, then 100 euros. Freaked out I pulled out my phone to call Ashley. She answered and I turned around and didn’t see him. Got home safe.

Oh, by the way I was totally, scantily clad like a prostitute  in my jeans, coat and scarf, and flat brown boots.

Another time I had a guy follow me TO THE GATE OF MY APT. That was no bueno tampoco. Why do I have all these creepy experiences with creepy men.

Well, not all men are creeps, but the creeps are the rememberable ones I guess. But all men want some action.

Day 2 of finals week

Took 2 naps yesterday, but still fell asleep around 00:30 exhausted. Woke up on and off trying to study, felt too groggy, the way I imagine it would feel if I had a hangover (I’ve never had one so I don’t know how it feels). Finally around 7:30 I take a shower. Trying to study; eat breakfast. Receive a text a bit before 9. Unsure of how to respond. Need to study, but blogging instead. Feeling extremely sleepy and tired, probably will fall asleep during exam. I hate school. One hour before I need to leave for my exam.

Took my exam. Didn’t really know what I was writing, finished early. Hung out with Ashley in one of the cafeterias. Came home and ate lunch. Called about seeing my knee specialist and took a nap. Went to clinic, got X-ray taken, found out something is wrong with my meniscus, but couldn’t understand enough to know what. I think they want me to return, who knows. Wish I was here longer so I could get treatment here because it’d be paid for here. Came home and took another nap. Skyped with mom. Should be studying. Blogging instead. Almost midnight. I think I might be getting sick again…for the third time this semester…

Why am I so weak, irresponsible, and just failing at life in Spain?

Supposed to go on a date on Thursday. Last time failed. Who knows about this time. I don’t have any faith.

NO

It’s really been less than 2 weeks since I last wrote? Really??? SO.MUCH. has happened.

I really am a different person after this semester. It has changed my life in so.many.ways.

But really I’m only a third of a different person, because I’ve finally done everything I’ve always wanted to do. I just went a lot further than I ever imagined, resulting in some regrets, but overall I am satisfied.

SevillaBarcelonaPragueFrankfurtGironaSevilla
SevillaBergamoMilanFlorenceRomeMilanBergamoSevillaMadrid

10 cities in 2 weekends. 6 airports. 4 countries.  3 train stations. 2 bus stations. 2 nights in airports 10 days away from my home away from home. Yeah. Definitely a lot has happened.

I made and found many new friends during my travels as well.

Life is crazy. I am crazy. Crazy in love. With Europe. I’m desperate to stay here.

I have 8 days left in Sevilla, 6 consecutive, not including today and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I can leave here with the thought that I may never return.

I titled the entry ‘NO’ because I don’t want to go home, but the main reason I’m writing this entry is to vaguely talk about talking about my experience.

In the beginning I didn’t tell anybody anything. And then I told one person and another, but only in bits and pieces. I was scared of being judged.  I was worried about worrying. I didn’t think anyone would understand, and even now I don’t think people really understand. But it’s really great to be able to tell your friends things, even things you’d be ashamed to tell anybody else. It’s relieving, but sometimes I do worry that I’ve talked too much to too many people. It’s not that I don’t trust anyone I’ve told, but maybe I need to keep some things to myself or just one or two other people. Anyways.

One thing I did not expect to happen before coming to Spain was to really fall for someone. And then I did. I don’t know what to do.

Exam every day this week. JOY. Bilbao on Saturday. real JOY.